July 11, 2006
more then we can handle
Now in danger of being overtly pitiful, I'm going to carefully explain why I havn't been posting very much latley.
Brachial Plexis Neuropathy. Or atleast thats what they told me. It's a nerve condition where you're in a fair bit of pain, and to make the pain stop they give you medication that just makes you sicker. (In honor of Malnurtured's post, lets just call it ironic). So when I cant feel my fingers I wind up wrenching for hours, face first in a toilette, because apparently that's a fair trade. When my back tightens, giving me headaches, I tremble on the ground with hotflashes from the narcotics. Again, considered fair trade.
Keeping up?
So here I am, three years after the mystery diagnosis (I love that show!), and I still cant get rid of the pain. I cant play cello anymore, wich means I had to have a complete course correction on where my life was going.
For those of you who dont know I was an up and coming amature cellist, with shows and recordings lined up for months. I went to high school specifically for it. I got a scholership to a top tier University for it. I taught music and singing and cello for years. And now I cant play without winding up on the floor, passed out from the pain.
Now, yes I did have the woe-as-me phase, explaining my condidtion to everyone I met, crying horribly as the use of my fingeres waved in and out. But I like to think of that stage as over. Yes it's still hard, yes it still hurts, and yes, I'll admit I get very very depressed.
People still seem to think that when ever I am in pain I over react, because they dont understand. It's not a pain they can see. I have no scars, no casts, no battle wounds to help illustrate my condition and so accordingly:
When I cry, I'm little and selfish
When I laugh, I'm hysterical
When I'm brave, I'm fake.
But I can tell you 7 MRIs, EEGs, EKGs, nerve conduction tests, 2 spinal taps, 47 blood tests, 9 neurologists, 3 Physiatrists, 2 Orthopiedics, 2 Physical Therapists, and one Accupuncturist later...the pain is very reall.
So the point of me explaining all this is...that it is very hard to type (even though I did wind up typing ALL of this) and I have bad periods where posts will be few and far between.
But I am alive, and I've grown. No longer do I explain my plight to every person I meet, no longer do I cry at every sharp pain, and no longer do I blame God.
I've used this experience in fact, and, as things undoubtedly happen for a reason, I've even helped other musicians facing this relentless, career ending beast of nerve damage. I've visited hospitals, and posted on message boards, and maybe I'm supposed to have this "condition" if only to give others a little bit of comfort, friendship and hope. Maybe this is a backwards gift from God, to shake me up, and get me going.
All I know is, He dosn't give us more then we can handle.
[---this entry was edited---]
reflection | By west | 02:35 PM
Comments
Wow... The things you learn about people you don't know. Thank you for posting when you can. And no more complaints about the lack of posting. It's great that you help others.. and i am sure your right things happen for a reason.
Posted by: Heaving Melon at July 11, 2006 05:23 PM
I can't claim to know how you feel, but I've had two grand mal seizures in the past 4 years and after a zillion tests, they didn't find anything either. I'm told that's a good thing, because anything they CAN find would be bad, but now I'm on medication to prevent them. I know it's not the same exactly, but I occasionally feel down too... knowing you have this "thing" you can't get rid of. Hang in there. :)
Posted by: Charissa at July 11, 2006 11:25 PM
Ditto Heaving Melon. No more "post more!" e-mails. You, in addition to I'm sure having a shot at being a world-class cellist, are an excellent writer.
Posted by: Malnurtured Snay at July 12, 2006 12:55 AM
You all keep me going. Email me about no more posts. Do it because it makes me write, and it makes me know people are out there listening.
you all are the best.
Posted by: west at July 12, 2006 09:56 AM
Damn make up my mind :) Women.. don't write.. write.. don't write...
I am going to set up a reminder to e-mail you once a week to tell you to write something even if you won't be able to understand what the hell I am saying.
Posted by: Heaving Melon at July 12, 2006 01:13 PM
I can't understand what the hell you're saying now, so whats the difference?
Posted by: west at July 12, 2006 01:33 PM
I stay around for comedic value only.
Posted by: Heaving Melon at July 12, 2006 02:36 PM
Ditto on snay and Melon, cept, I think I understand what I'm saying. :)
Posted by: american geisha at July 12, 2006 07:32 PM
Best of luck with the treatments, and I hope you find something you are as passionate about as you were about the cello.
Posted by: c at July 13, 2006 11:17 AM