October 09, 2007
Have Mercy
I never thought it would be like this. A miscarriage. I didn’t want to have a baby, but oh god, did it still hurt to loose it. I can’t have a baby now, and defiantly not with him. The same man the last post was about. He doesn’t love me, he’s still so much a child (26 or not), and neither of us has the income. It’s the best result I could have gotten, considering the circumstances. I don’t think I could go through with an abortion, and I wouldn’t have survived going full term and having to give him/her up for adoption. I keep rationalizing it in my head, trying to thank God for taking it away, taking it home, taking it back, but the words are so false and forced.
After just leaving the hospital about 30 min ago, driving my sobbing ass home, and smoking 9 million cigarettes, all I can think of is the irony.
Today in the mail, I received a special present from my aunt. It was a patron saint medal she had ordered for me off the internet. I’m catholic you see (though not the best one), and as Catholics when you are confirmed in the faith you pick a name to be blessed with, usually of the name of a saint, angel, holy place, or virtue. I have always felt a strong pull to the Blessed Virgin Mother Mary, and have often asked her for guidance and to pray for me, so I chose her sister (or cousin as some texts read) Elizabeth, mother of John the Baptist. She was known as Elizabeth of the Visitation, as she was the first to know of Mary’s pregnancy with the Son of God. Her own pregnancy was remarkable as well, as she was far too old to bare a son when she did to her husband Zachary.
What I could never really figure out was what she was the patron saint of, and it never really bothered me as that wasn’t the reason I picked her.
Catholic.org describes a patron saint as:
“…chosen as special protectors or guardians over areas of life. These areas can include occupations, illnesses, churches, countries, causes -- anything that is important to us.”
Archangel Michael is the patron saint of police officers, St. Lucy of the blind, and St. Genesius of actors. You can even find patron saints of bell makers, birds, bohemia, waitresses, weavers, and Wyoming.
But back to my surprise present. Well when I opened my package and excitedly clasped my new silver medal around my neck, I read the card that she was attached to:
“Elizabeth of the Visitation,” it read “Patron Saint of expectant mothers.”
Posted by west at 02:41 AM | Comments (1)
January 21, 2007
love
I have no money. End of story, and the girls are gonna freeze if I don’t get the money into BG&E. This is just a disintegrating situation, but how, in god’s name does one get out of a lease? I couldn’t tell you the first step in survival. With each check I sign I feel like a little chip of my soul now belongs to some unnamed, no-face bill collector. God help my W-2.
You ever notice how hospital rooms have some form of décor that attempts to recreate a comfortable, domestic feel? Well the one I was in tonight, oh and that’s another story, but the one I was in tonight was sans all of that, except for the oddest light covering. All of the 8X10 florescent lights that unsurprisingly flickered in their respective places adjacent to the foam drop ceiling, were normal, except for the one in the corner. Some form of a blue plastic landscape photograph covered this one, and as I was waiting for the nurse to return and unstrap me from the stirrups, it unnerved me. I was ready to launch away from my IV cart and destroy the plastic.
Now I’m not a violent person in the least, but even past the needles and the pain, I was ready to destroy, crush, annihilate, and all around butcher the fucking blue plastic.
Anyways I didn’t, and I’m alright, and I’m home.
I’m in love by the way. I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to say “by the way” after a statement like that one. But it’s the truth none the less. I once read that “by the way” was a profanity, as the only way would be God’s way….
but back on topic:
I found myself a big teddy bear. He’s got his flaws as we all do, and I couldn’t tell you why, but I love him.
It’s an odd feeling, as I’ve never been in love with someone who loved me back. He doesn’t always show it the best, but on day like today, I know it. He shuffled me all over Maryland taking me from work to home to clinic to hospital to home again. He waited in the ER for 2 hours worrying about me, and didn’t complain once.
I never knew someone who would do that for me before. Literally no one.
But this is what my life is now.
Posted by west at 01:40 AM | Comments (0)
August 30, 2006
well hello dolly
Updating is starting to feel more like a chore then a privilege. It’s not that I don’t love you guys (I do)…I just…am incredibly busy I suppose.
I’m working my nuts off, which is extremely bad considering I don’t have any. I am financially fucked because of my car crash, and if you don’t know about that, don’t ask. I started classes, which were incredibly boring, I have NO real life friends, and I’m attempting to move out of my parents house on my meager wages. I’m ready to throw in the towel.
I’m also trying to get freelancing jobs because I’m broke. If any of you need or know someone that needs graphic design work done EMAIL ME BITCHES. CHECK OUT MY PORTFOLIO: B-43.COM because you fucking love me, right?
Oh and if you know anyone who has a room to rent out let me know too, somewhere near Baltimore perhaps, or south in Anne Arundel Co, would be best.
Love me.
Posted by west at 01:58 PM | Comments (1)
August 08, 2006
girly fluffy boy talk entry
So I've gotten atleast 18,364,327,862 requests to talk about my date so here it goes.
He met me at my house and he looks nothing like I remember. He's trendy emo hotness, but dosn't like it when I call him that. We went for coffee, then a drive around Annapolis, finaly ending up at Record and Tape traders. Such an indie kid.
Then we went to Barns&Nobles and had MORE coffee. He took me home, we said bye.
Nothing happened.
:(
But he IMed me that night (soooo generation y, eh?) He came over my house yesterday to 'celebrate' my lisence-getting, adn he met my parents. Again, nothing happened.
I cant tell if he's just being gentlemanly, shy (he was really fat and had no self esteem or girlfriends), or is just not that into me.
:(
Posted by west at 01:29 PM | Comments (3)
*crash*
Yes, yes ladies and gentlemen, the ride is over. I have indeed, aquired my lisence.
So I went to go take the test Saturday. And Failed.
*hmmmmph*
I was almost done the test too! I had even parallel parked, in one mother fucking time! But nooooooo, I had to back out over a cone. Not just tapped the damn thing, I crushed it into oblivion -_-'
So as a cried on the way home, I realized my permit was due to expire Tuesday. As in...today. So mom and I skipped work Monday and waited in line at the MVA to renew my permit for the second time...
Now the MVA does it's driving tests by appointment only, but I decided to go raise hell a little bit and see if they cold fit me in for my second test before the end of the week. The lady told me to get my paperwork (which was convieniently at home) and haul ass back there to take the test within the hour.
And whaddya know, I did it. And passed mofo. Oh and I was next in line to take the test and I had to pee so bad. I hopped outta my car and ran like hell, and still made it in time...LOL)
And I had the same testing dude! I was pissed.
Then I got to wait in line for about 4 hours to get my beautiful waste of plastic. *sigh*
And my first driving-by-myself experience happened to be at night....in the rain....someone has it out for me, I sware...
*this entrey not spell checked....cause I'm lazy asshole....get over it...*
Posted by west at 10:09 AM | Comments (2)
July 30, 2006
when I get a brand new hairdoo
West has a date! West has a date! West has a date – hey hey hey hey!.
Can you believe it an actual date. Where he picks me up. We go for coffee and chatting. I’ll get all pretty, and he’ll drive.
A real date.
*sigh*
Posted by west at 12:33 AM | Comments (6)
July 25, 2006
"major" dilemma
So I switched my major again today to graphic design/fine arts.
I have a semi moral problem with it though. Even though I’m CRAZY about graphic design and art, I feel kinda like I need to be doing something that gives back more to the world. I keep telling myself art is important, it’s how humans grow and express, and that that’s important to society as a whole.
But the nun in me tells me to become a social worker, or a phsyciatrist, or a deacon, or something that helps someone more then looking at a piece of art.
I have to hold true:
“Don’t try to be a great (wo)man, just be a (wo)man”
Posted by west at 09:19 PM | Comments (2)
July 24, 2006
Equidistant
Dear Christ almighty, what a weekend.
I wound up taking a bus all the way up to Port Authority, NY to go stay with my sister in Little Neck. The whole ride through the Lincoln Tunnel was stop and go, from the stretch of the Turn Pike, right into MidTown. And the bus driver took “stop and go” quite literally. When it was “go” time he’d punch it, and have to stomp on the breaks when it was “stop” time.
There was a Muslim family of about 8 in front of me, and one very frightened, ill-informed, white man behind me, shaking in his seat and muttering “oh god” under his breath every time one of the 8 made a move he thought was too quick or jerky. It was semi entertaining for the first 20 minutes, kind of a study on the reaction of the general white guy, but after about hour three I wanted to smack the living shit out of him.
NY was waaaay too fugging hot, and I never appreciated central air more then I did, sleeping in my sis’s, box air only, housing unit.
My family unit is a bit unconventional. The family that I sayed with is hardcore Korean, Buddhist, Yankees, and I’m a southern, white, Catholic…
So how are these people related to me you might ask? Well sit down and take notes:
My father was married to another woman before my mother, who couldn’t have children.
They adopted my Sister from a Korean lady, who couldn’t take care of her.
Dad divorced said woman.
Married my mom.
Korean lady had three other boys.
Sister was always close with Korean family.
Sister became Buddhist, and started learning Korean.
Dad and Mom had me.
Dad got custody of Sister.
I was born.
Sister and I grew up together, 11 years apart from each other.
Lived together for 8 years.
Sister moved out to NY with Korean family.
I visited Korean family frequently.
Summing it up I have:
1 Adopted Half Sister
3 non legally or blood related Korean “Brothers”
1 non related ‘adoptive’ OMA, or Sister’s birth mom.
2 birth parents…
crazy, huh?
Posted by west at 02:41 PM | Comments (3)
July 13, 2006
info up
I cried today. At work, no less. I reread my last post, and all the comments I got, and it was really odd, how bloggers I hardly know care more about me then some of the people in my life.
God damn, I’m a sap.
It’s just…well…I don’t know…an emotional time fore me perhaps?
I’ll end this tear fest now.
Ok , for those who’ve been asking about the beatnik-coffee-poetry night, I’ve been trying to find the right place to do it. There is this place on Fayette St. Wednesday nights around 7 pm. If anyone has a better idea please let me know.
Anyone who’s interested email me @ b43@b-43.com and tell me you wanna.
Posted by west at 04:28 PM | Comments (5)
July 11, 2006
update
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT already, don't get your panties in a twist, I'll post, I SWEAR!
God to think the handful of readers I have are HARASSING me, becuase I decide to take a little break. I'm around, scouts honor ^.^.....Atleast you miss me.
Anyways, work is neurotic, I have no sex life, and my friends are avoiding me.
end of story.
I'll write more when I'm in a more cynicall mood, and my boss isnt running around
Posted by west at 10:08 AM | Comments (5)