January 21, 2007
review
Pushing past the bullshit and swimming through the crap, once you get the taste out of your mouth you tend to see the good and the clean a little different. It’s not better, it’s not holier, its just different.
You ever reevaluate choices so many times, and change your mind so many times, that you don’t remember the choices you made in the first place? That’s what I feel like every day now. Like I know I made the wrong decision but I don’t remember what that decision was…
Posted by west at 11:28 PM | Comments (1)
July 11, 2006
more then we can handle
Now in danger of being overtly pitiful, I'm going to carefully explain why I havn't been posting very much latley.
Brachial Plexis Neuropathy. Or atleast thats what they told me. It's a nerve condition where you're in a fair bit of pain, and to make the pain stop they give you medication that just makes you sicker. (In honor of Malnurtured's post, lets just call it ironic). So when I cant feel my fingers I wind up wrenching for hours, face first in a toilette, because apparently that's a fair trade. When my back tightens, giving me headaches, I tremble on the ground with hotflashes from the narcotics. Again, considered fair trade.
Keeping up?
So here I am, three years after the mystery diagnosis (I love that show!), and I still cant get rid of the pain. I cant play cello anymore, wich means I had to have a complete course correction on where my life was going.
For those of you who dont know I was an up and coming amature cellist, with shows and recordings lined up for months. I went to high school specifically for it. I got a scholership to a top tier University for it. I taught music and singing and cello for years. And now I cant play without winding up on the floor, passed out from the pain.
Now, yes I did have the woe-as-me phase, explaining my condidtion to everyone I met, crying horribly as the use of my fingeres waved in and out. But I like to think of that stage as over. Yes it's still hard, yes it still hurts, and yes, I'll admit I get very very depressed.
People still seem to think that when ever I am in pain I over react, because they dont understand. It's not a pain they can see. I have no scars, no casts, no battle wounds to help illustrate my condition and so accordingly:
When I cry, I'm little and selfish
When I laugh, I'm hysterical
When I'm brave, I'm fake.
But I can tell you 7 MRIs, EEGs, EKGs, nerve conduction tests, 2 spinal taps, 47 blood tests, 9 neurologists, 3 Physiatrists, 2 Orthopiedics, 2 Physical Therapists, and one Accupuncturist later...the pain is very reall.
So the point of me explaining all this is...that it is very hard to type (even though I did wind up typing ALL of this) and I have bad periods where posts will be few and far between.
But I am alive, and I've grown. No longer do I explain my plight to every person I meet, no longer do I cry at every sharp pain, and no longer do I blame God.
I've used this experience in fact, and, as things undoubtedly happen for a reason, I've even helped other musicians facing this relentless, career ending beast of nerve damage. I've visited hospitals, and posted on message boards, and maybe I'm supposed to have this "condition" if only to give others a little bit of comfort, friendship and hope. Maybe this is a backwards gift from God, to shake me up, and get me going.
All I know is, He dosn't give us more then we can handle.
[---this entry was edited---]
Posted by west at 02:35 PM | Comments (9)
July 06, 2006
hyper coffee monkey robot beatnick go!
Ok, so I've been out of it for a little while, but I really don't have that much to say right now. My life is kind of in a stand still, where I don't feel like I live in my own house anymore. I'm kind of a guest, who just steals all their food.
Work is...well work, and yes GOD I know I have the best job an 18 year old could ever get, but that dosn't mean it's all peaches and cream. I wish I knew WHAT the fuck was expected of me here. I don't even know my own job title much less what project I'm working on.
However I LOVE it when companies talk to me on the phone, then come in to visit, and they see this little girl taking care of the $5,000 printers or the quarter page ads. Marketing and IT, thats me damn it, and htey better get used to it, cause I ain't going anywhere.
Ok enough of power bitch buisness suit beached whale shit, I'm a little chiller then that.
I've decided that we bloggers are poets and activists. Thats the only way any of use could write half the shit we do. And as that said, I think we need to go to open mike night somewhere. Who's with me, you beatnicks?!? Fuck the happy hours, lets drink coffee and tell each other how much better we are then everyone else!
BALTIMORE BLOGGER'S OPEN MIKE NIGHT!!!
By God it's a crazy day in the office. I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. One printer broke completley, the other $7,500 printer is just way too scary for me to touch. And I'M THE PRINTER GIRL. I just need to calm down
coffe an west DON'T MIX!!!
Posted by west at 12:12 PM | Comments (5)
June 25, 2006
where have all the cowboys gone?
We'll I've tried being sociable around baltiblogs but it seems to take more then a sledge hammer around here to get anyone to talk to you.
What ever happened to the good old days when you'd be able to talk to anyone because everyone was desperate for readers and friends. Now some kind of internet hirearchy has established itself in my absence, and you have to be of a certain calibure and length of exsistence before anyone will talk to you.
Maybe I just need to hang out longer.
Posted by west at 10:48 AM | Comments (3)
June 22, 2006
Validity of your mouth
Joking can be a dangerous thing. Do you really know the point when a friendly jab looses it's validity and becomes a fake, and misleading untruth? I hate this feeling of having all self esteem ripped from your gut in a matter of minutes.
And whats with me having to pee constantly? Bladder the size of a walnut.
...
Ok maybe that wasn't the best way to end that rant, but it diffuses the situation a little.
So apparently the term for my political views is "dixie-crat"...a democrat who votes conservitivly. Now why the term "liberal" has become a dirty, profane term, I still consider myself on the left side of the omnipresent political divider, and I do enjoy, to some extent, the way ultra christian righters shutter at the mere mention of Hilary Clinton. Now if you're reading this and spitting rusty nails at me virtually, don't get your panites in a twist; I still am a Catholic who lives and breathes every day amongst the few, but ever growing conservatives in maryland.
I've been told that theres a common rule of the work force...something about "not shiting where you eat" - and as crass as that sounds, I think today I had a demonstration on why the work, romance, complicated... thing just dosn't work out the way you dream it to...or more realistically the way it does in those romance books you pick up 3 for five at the rite aid in mount vernon...not that I do...or anything
So this is my re-introduction to the world of blogging and virtual homesteads. While in the past I was widley known amongst the teeny-bopper bloggers of the decade, owning domain after domain, and adding link after link to my WAY too morbid looking pages, I had a falling out when I turned 16. No longer the allure of the virtual presence called to me, and as a result I've lost most of not all my connection to the bloggers and designers that have seemed to keep growing, despite my self inflicted exile.
Hopefully this minimal size of a blog (compared to my last days of uber-design and over ambitious html) will reinstate me into the vast world of bloggers, that somehow i just missed. I hope this new side of me is more mature and elegant as I share my thoughts to whomever (or no one at all) that reads them
I want to meet all bloggers of every site, anywhere. So comment, email, and AIM me. Link me and love me. Re-invent me.
Posted by west at 10:11 PM | Comments (1)